Not Going Back
by Ksorcere
Summary: After 'Strange Bedfellows', RayK and Fraser reflect on their lost loves.


Not Going Back  
  
Note: The opening dialog between Fraser and Kowalski comes from the end of the episode Strange Bedfellows.  
  
  
  
"You know, Ray, what you said toWeston about not being able to go back, did you… did you mean that?"  
  
"Uh, no, I was lying."  
  
"'Cause you had a gun pointed to your head?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, you know, I understand, or as you might say, I overstand."  
  
***********  
  
Constable Benton Fraser slowly walked the streets of Chicago, on his way to the Consulate. Although night had fallen, he was not particularly anxious to be safe and sound in his office. Once again, there were other things on his mind then his personal safety.  
  
The words that Ray had spoken to the distraught Weston were echoing in his head. "No, you can't erase it like that. Things that were said. Things that weren't said. When it's over, it's over. You gotta accept that and live with it."  
  
In the heat of the moment, he had heard the words but hadn't really listened to them. Now, he realized for the first time, the significance of these words as applied to him.  
  
He hadn't thought of her in ages until this particular case. As he had watched Ray struggle with his feelings for Stella, he had been reminded of his own struggle with Victoria.  
  
He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and closed his eyes as a long- repressed memory stirred. It had been two years but he could still remember that night in his old apartment as if it happened yesterday. He could still taste her lips, feel her trembling skin, and the passion that they had shared. And, naturally, the all-consuming guilt that he still felt for what he had done or nearly done for her.  
  
He opened his eyes when the vivid memory faded and continued walking. Had he finally moved on, he wondered. His heart still hurt at the mere thought of her, he found, but the worst of the pain seemed to have dulled with time. Part of him still longed to be with her, but as the days went by, it became easier to accept that he would never see her again. If she should enter his life again… he shuddered. Best not to think about that – what would happen, what he would do. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer…  
  
***********  
  
The morning sun shone through the windows of the dark apartment, attempting to infuse some cheeriness into the room. Ray Kowalski, the man chosen to assume Ray Vecchio's life while he was working undercover, wasn't having any of it. He rose from the chair he had been sprawling on for the past few hours and moved it away from the sun's light. This done, he sank back down and returned to his dark depression.  
  
He hated this, he really did. Just when he thought he was doing okay, was slowly getting used to his assumed identity and the freaky Mountie, she had to cross paths with him. With her appearance, all the painful thoughts and memories had resurfaced. All his hopes and dreams were awakened briefly only to be cruelly dashed once again. Well, perhaps not cruelly. In his head, he fully realized he and Stella were finished, but his heart still had hoped.  
  
He ran a hand through his bushy hair and sighed. Thank God for days off because he sure as hell wasn't leaving his apartment today. He briefly entertained a thought about getting up and taking a shower but decided against it. That would be saying that everything was right with the world and it wasn't.  
  
He heard a knock on the door and wildly thought for a moment that it was Stella. It wasn't her knock though. He shifted in his chair and waited for the caller to go away. The knock came again. This time, a voice came with it. "Ray, it's me. Please let me in."  
  
"Damn," Ray thought. "Go away, Fraser! I just want to be alone."  
  
"I realize that, Ray, but… well, there's something I want to share with you," Fraser said.  
  
Ray sighed irritably and stood. He walked over to the door and opened it. "What?" he asked rudely.  
  
"May I come in?" Ben asked.  
  
Ray nodded reluctantly and allowed him to enter. "Well?"  
  
Ben cleared his throat several times. "I don't know how much Lieutenant Welsh told you about the cases the other Ray and I had worked on…"  
  
"A little." Ray interrupted. "What's your point?"  
  
"Did he tell you about… Victoria Metcalf?"  
  
The name was familiar. Ray cast his mind back and remembered that Welsh hadn't said much about that particular case – only that Fraser had arrested her years ago and that she come to Chicago to get revenge. He had gotten the feeling that there had been more to this story, but the people he had asked about it had shook their heads and quickly changed the subject.  
  
"Yeah," he replied warily.  
  
Ben took a deep breath and proceeded to tell Ray the whole story. At the end of the tale, he fell silent, waiting for some reaction.  
  
"Wow," Ray said and immediately felt stupid. "I… uh, I never knew."  
  
"It was a bad time for me," Ben replied quietly. "I loved her so much, I was blind to her intentions. If the other Ray hadn't shot me…"  
  
"You would have gone with her?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why did you tell me this?" Ray asked, curiously.  
  
"I wanted to know that I understand."  
  
"Understand?"  
  
"About letting go."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The two fell into a companiable silence, each lost in private thoughts. After awhile, Ray glanced over at Ben. "Thanks, Fraser."  
  
"You're welcome, Ray. 


End file.
